Tired of trying to catch trout that don't want to be caught?
Weary of learning to cast a fly and mend the line for a drag-free drift and all that fancy stuff?
Well, boys and girls, have I got something great for you.
Pegged beads! Yes! With pegged beads there is no longer any need to develop actual fishing skills! Now everyone can catch dozens of trout a day and never strain their brains or their casting arms one bit.
With ineffective, old-fashioned trout fishing tactics, first you had to figure out what the fish were eating. Then you had to tie all sorts of yarn and tinsel and bird feathers and the belly fur of Tibetan tree skunks to tiny little hooks.
Then you had to figure out where exactly in the river the fish were and you had to cast the fly so that it landed near the fish and drifted in a natural manner. And you had pay close attention to detect when a fish picked up the fly.
Oh, I know. Whew! I'm getting a headache just remembering it all. And then the worst part by far was when, after all that work, a trout finally bit the fly and realized it was not a real bug or salmon egg and spit it out before you could even stick the hook in him.
Didn't you hate when that happened? I did too.
But no more, my friends. Just go get yourself a box of little plastic beads, a box of toothpicks and some plain bare hooks. Yes, I said plain bare ones like you used to use when you were a little kid fishing with cheese balls or marshmallows.
OK, you are ready to rig up.
First, slip your line through the bead (that's what the hole is for) and tie on a bare hook at the end of the line (yes a bare one!). Break off the tip of a toothpick in the hole to keep the bead a few inches above the hook.
You can get all fussy about choosing the right toothpicks and coloring your beads with nail polish and such.
(Actually, this is a great excuse to hang out at the cosmetic counter at Nordstrom's where all those terrific-looking sales girls work.) Anyway, if you can't figure out how to do all that, you can always hire a guide.
The professional guides of Alaska are absolutely expert on threading beads onto a line. In fact, they invented it!
The most important thing to remember is this: Don't over-think it!
Just lob that dangling bare hook and bead out there, or better yet drop it straight down over the gunwales of a drift boat and let the guide row you around over the top of the fish, and soon trout will be flopping in the landing net. Because, unlike flies, when a trout bites a pegged bead and spits it out, you don't even have to be paying attention at all (shoot, sometimes I like to take a nap while fishing this way).
The line below the pegged bead will floss that tricky little bare hook right into the side of that smarty-pants trout's face -- even if he did spit out the bead long before you saw the strike.
Is that neat, or what? And hey, here's the beauty part: It's perfectly legal. (Except in water designated "fly-fishing only," where that dang intrusive government of ours still expects us to play fair.)
Oh sure, there are those who will say, "Man, that really is unfair. You're trying to outwit a creature with a brain the size of the bead you're fishing with and you're snagging him in the lip?"
But these are the same fussy ninnies who don't believe in chemical warfare or shooting moose from airplanes. They'll say: "This is supposed to be a sport. Where is the challenge? It's like having a laser-guided golf ball. What would a hole-in-one mean then?"
They will say, "The whole point of a sport is to make the two opponents as equal as possible. A lopsided match is simply not interesting. Would you like to watch me boxing Mike Tyson?"
Darned right! I would love that!
Pay them no mind. The important thing is how many fish you catch, right? And boy, does this catch fish.
I met one guide from the Kenai River who said, "Man, I hate them. But I can't have clients struggling to catch trout on flies when other boats are hauling them in by the hundreds all around us."
Well, you can see his point.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Those trout-loving pinkos will say how sleazy and unsportsmanlike this is. But times are changing, and even some so-called fly shops are selling beads now and probably the toothpicks to go with them. I tell you, brother, it's only a matter of time until we're hunting moose from planes with poison gas.
Richard Chiappone is a freelance writer who lives in Anchor Point.
